Parenting Styles: What Class Of Mother Or Father Am I?

The style of upbringing includes, among other things, the way parents behave and answer their children. In today’s post, psychologist Marcelo Ceberio talks about different types and options available to parents. 

Parenting styles  are relationship constructions that include  behavior, posture, gestures, verbal and paraverbal messages from parents to their children, as well as communication strategies, techniques and tactics  that parents use to help their children develop consciously and voluntarily, but also involuntarily.

No institution teaches parents. They learn their roles from their own upbringing as children and follow the actions and reprimands that their own parents thought were good. The family of origin is the reference model when it comes to raising one’s own children.

But the parents are  at the same time a mirror into which their children look and which reflects their reflection. Parenting  styles also include involuntary information. The parents are therefore more transparent than they think: They convey values, beliefs, affective forms of expression, communication styles, arrangements, etc. We will then devote ourselves to this topic more intensely.

Parenting styles: what class of mother or father am I?

One of the most famous theories about parenting styles was developed by psychologist  Diana Baumrind. She classified fathers and mothers into four categories:

• Authoritarian: Parents tell their children exactly what to do.
• Permissive:  You allow your children to do what they want.
• Democratic:  Parents give their children rules and guidance without being dominant.
• Negligible:  They ignore their children and focus their interest on other tasks.

Parenting styles: Democratic parents

Democratic parents are balanced and have frequent and open conversations with their children,  in which dialogue is the best way to improve children’s understanding.

They are demanding, receptive and focused on their children. They also aim to raise their children to be autonomous, mature people through upbringing. They understand their children’s feelings and help them manage them.

Most democratic parents do not exercise too much control, which enables the child to have more freedom to make their own experiences. You can make your own decisions based on your own ideas.

These kind of parents support personal initiatives of their children. They allow them to solve their everyday problems on their own. This promotes their independence.

When democratic parents punish their children, they explain why. Usually these are not very strict or arbitrary measures  because they try to teach the child rather than just punish them. You forgive and ultimately achieve that your child develops a better self-esteem and becomes more and more independent over time.

Democratic parents lovingly set clear rules and boundaries. They enable the children to develop their independence and expect a mature behavior, which should however always be age-appropriate. This means that the children should behave according to their state of development.

Parenting styles: Authoritarian parents

Authoritarian parents are  very demanding, not receptive and have high expectations of their children. They lead a totalitarian regime, which is characterized by the fulfillment of their high expectations and family rules. There is little space left for an open dialogue between parents and children, and even less for discussing an order.

We are talking about parents with a restrictive upbringing style who punish their children  for not doing what their parents tell them to do. They expect their children to respect the work and efforts they go into bringing up them.

They do not encourage dialogue and sometimes reject it as a disciplinary measure. For example: “Until you do what I tell you, you don’t have to say a word to me anymore!” Often the only explanation they give their children is, “Because I say so.”

They are less sensitive to their children’s needs and are more likely to hit or yell at their offspring rather than discussing a problem. Children who grow up using this parenting style  may have poorer social skills because their parents usually tell them what to do instead of letting them choose. 

It is parents who demand discipline without giving their children autonomy. They view obedience as a virtue and therefore often use coercive or punitive measures.

Permissive parents

Permissive parents are very sensitive to the needs and wishes of their children and do not have great expectations when it comes  to behavior. In this style of upbringing, parents do a lot for their children, but they ask little and do not have much control over their children’s lives. The absence of boundaries prevents the offspring from gaining self-control.

Children of permissive parents are usually very immature, do not control their impulses and do not take on social responsibility. They often act impulsively and can adopt marginal behavior patterns in adolescence. These children never learn to control their own behavior and always try to enforce their own wishes.

This parenting style results in spoiled and spoiled children who can adopt extreme behaviors when they are not getting what they want.

Careless parents

Negligent parents have neither claims nor are they flexible. They remain uninvolved or have no interest in raising their children. In addition, they are cold and controlling and usually do not interfere in their children’s lives. They do not set boundaries and therefore do not ask their children to take responsibility.

Careless parents tend to overlook their children’s emotions and opinions  and do not support them. But they take care of their basic needs (house, upbringing, food). They are often emotionally absent and sometimes physical. That is, there is no communication even when they are at home.

They are insensitive or unable to be empathetic to the needs of their children. They also have no expectations regarding the behavior of their children. Growing up in a neglected environment can experience emotional and behavioral problems in adulthood.

The lack of affection and support for these children and adolescents has very negative effects on their development. Therefore, they feel insecure, unappreciated and dependent. They struggle to fit in with society and have very low tolerance for frustration.

Specific parenting styles

In my work with young people, I was able to determine a number of parental characteristics in interviews with fathers and mothers. Based on the typology of tree bark, I will summarize various forms. But it must be taken into account  that there are no pure parenting styles. Often these are combinations that give parenting very special characteristics. 

• The guilty type: It’s about parents who feel guilty for setting boundaries. They try to be recognized and loved by their children and in their imaginations. A “no” means they run the risk of being rejected.
• Demanding parents: These parents support their children and know all of their options. They appreciate them very much and motivate them.

• Parents who are too demanding: Parents always emphasize what their children have not achieved. They do not appreciate what they have done, but focus on what is still missing. In doing so, they unconsciously devalue their children.
• Authoritarian parent type: They are dictators who do not explain why they set limits and rules. Your children’s wishes are irrelevant, what counts is what they think is best for themselves.
• Appropriate Limiters: We are talking about parents who set effective, clear, flexible and stated boundaries.
• Superparents:  They believe that they must meet all of their children’s needs and comforts in order to guarantee their development.
• Limitlessly permissive parents: Parents who are too responsive to the wishes of their children and who do not slow down their ideas in any way. There are no borders. They do not guide their children on their way and are dominated by their own children.

• Needy Parents: These parents need their children’s affection and appreciation, so they try to please and be valued by them. They are convinced that the children are best taken care of at home.
• The Huckling Type: They take care of their children in an extreme way, which does not promote their independence. They are fearful and believe that something could happen to them. They act and decide for their children.
• Projector Parents: They project their frustrated desires onto their children. What they have not been able to achieve in their own lives, they expect from their offspring. However, they do not listen to their children’s wishes.
• Counselor parents: They guide their children and give them advice, but also the freedom to go their own way with their own experiences. You can help them financially, but to support their independence like on a trampoline. They also know how to let go.

• Omnipotent Parents: They Can Do Anything. These parents give their children everything they need and much more. They believe that this is the best kind of parenting. Pocket money, a car and other extras.
• The communicator type:  These parents have conversations and express themselves about what remains unspoken in a family. You are not pressed for time, ask questions and avoid assumptions.
• Freedom-loving parents: They stimulate freedom and independence, almost pushing their children outside, but without considering their emotional possibilities and maturity.
• Judgmental Parents:  They nurture their children’s emotions and express affection and appreciation with words and deeds.

Also discover this interesting article: When children develop stress due to the rush and pressure of their parents

Of course, there are also combinations of different parenting styles:

• Omnipotent, freedom-loving parents:  They not only stimulate freedom, but also provide their children with everything they want, but do not let them grow personally. These parents pay their child an apartment with all expenses so that they can live alone. Although they promote the independence of their children, they can only achieve this as long as their parents provide them with everything.
• The good and the bad:  It can happen that one parent acts authoritarian and the other protective. One sets strict limits and punishments, the other covers, protects and justifies the child. This triangle promotes a coalition.
• Permissively Protective Parents: These parents do not allow actions without boundaries, nor do they feel guilty for setting boundaries. In time they become the children of their own children. That means that they submit hierarchically: the children dominate their parents.

• Demanding projector parents:  They not only project their wishes onto their children, they also ask a lot without knowing what the children want and can do. They tell them to achieve what they themselves lack. If they are also authoritarian, the situation becomes more difficult.

Healthy and purposeful parenting promotes growth, autonomy, communication, expressions of affection, and clear boundaries. It is characterized by the following characteristics: fathers and mothers who value their children, giving, demanding and productive parents who set correct boundaries and promote communication.

Far from the utopia of ideal parenting and close to healthy and purposeful parenting , a good parenting style  means learning this wonderful task of being a father or mother on a daily basis.